Unnoticed, was 11 years old I underwent this vocation. Countless happy and sad experiences I've had in seminary. While I struggled to find certainty, my friends have started to find it. I often see the smile of joy from them, as though they were without a load. This makes me often pensive, if my choice is correct or not. Is this the will of God or my own. Jesus said, "your will is not my will". Plan what exactly is being prepared by God for me. Until now I have not found the answer to all questions.
Back to the matter of the will of God. Am I going through the plan, or whether he was making other plans for me. In prayer I ask Him to showed me the right way and definitely. Then I began to reflect on my experiences that day and asked if God had answered. But it is still hard for me to understand that it is an answer or just a guess from my mind. Is it true that God has reminded me to stop in this option and begin to focus on other options or this is just one of the hardest exam I have to face in order to achieve that goal. Do I have the old one vote and the Lord incessantly reminding me.
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It makes me difficult to make the right decision.
Many of the people and friends are always giving spirit and motivation for me. Very clear that they wanted me to stay at the options that were I go through this. I realized that they indeed can not force me to stay loyal because they know that the decision was there with me. One of the reasons that made me stay is that, to realize their hopes. But, until when I keep that hope. On the one hand, I was glad when they are happy with my service, but on the other hand I feel there is something wrong with this. Their hopes turned out to feel like a burden in my life. I do not want them to be disappointed when I could not meet their expectations. I have always longed to serve them as far as I can, because then I can take part in the task of Christ in this world. However, increasingly today, the struggle is getting heavier and not sure anymore, so I thought that I might have wasted my time with useless.
Last month my friend had made an important decision in his life, and it would make her feel calm because he was free from doubt. I told him that every major decision that requires greater consequences. Now, that saying applies to me. Am I brave enough to choose another path, or whether I remain in this uncertainty while waiting for when he'll end. Meanwhile, the situation at the seminary has not been so clear. Some of my friends are still in doubt because of the attitude of the staff that are less serious. I am sure that they have been working with the best skills they can give, but unfortunately, the staff did not look like that. This is one reason for me to break away from this vocation. (to be continued)
